If I was President...

If elected, I promise to:

1. Dissolve the two-party system. If you want to run for Prez, do it. We'll have one huge campaign, like California's last Governor's race. Maybe Gary Coleman or some porn star will be our next leader!

2. Dissolve the electoral college system. One person, one vote. Hello!?!?

3. Get rid of all our nukes except for one. What better display of our commitment against proliferation?!?? All we really need is one of them bad boys to show we still have cahones.

4. Add a constitutional amendment that says "Any President who declares war on another nation must personally kill one of the enemy in hand to hand combat on primetime TV." Let's see how many Presidents will have the courage to send our nation's children to die for their worthless causes.

5. Set up a World Peace department with a mandate that it be granted funds twice that of our defense spending. They'll be charged with exploring and initiating non-combative peace efforts (to thwart those who believe you can get peace by killing for it!) and I'd staff it with all the hippies I could find.

6. Give free room and board to members of Congress, the President, VP, and cabinet members, but eliminate their salaries. I'd use that money on education in inner cities.

7. Create a position of Litigation Tzar. This person will be in charge of reducing lawsuits in this country. Period.

8. Remove the constitutional right to bear arms, and make it illegal to own anything that shoots a bullet, except for police and the military. There is no reason anyone in a civilized nation should have a gun of any sort.

9. Get rid of Fox News.

10. End all my speeches with "God bless you. God bless everybody, not just America."

ok... I have to go make campaign posters... in the meantime, my fellow Americans, tell me your campaign promises!